Amanda Barnes teaches us the art of sniffing and swirling your way to the top
Mendoza can be a daunting destination for wine amateurs. Gentle bar chatter in a city with a swollen population of sommeliers, oenophiles, wine snobs and fiercely-proud locals (where everyone and their grandmother would happily correct Michel Rolland) can be a somewhat bewildering prospect. So how can you fake your way as a wine expert?
My parents introduced me to wine from a young age and having slurped my way up from sickly sweet Blue Nun (shameful but a necessary rites-of-passage) to some rather more expensive (and ergo surely better?) wine, I figured I was ready for joining such a community. How naive!
Within half an hour of my arrival it became quite evident that Mendoza´s wine drinkers were well out of my league. Arriving one night in February (the height of Vendimia madness and wine know-it-alls), I jumped off the bus and headed to a supermarket to pick up a bottle of wine for the evening. Gazing at rows and rows of labels (and that was just the Malbec), I tried to navigate my way to some sort of decision.
Resolving that a 25 peso bottle with a pretty label was the most sensible way to go, I reached out to the middle shelf. "Ooooo, tush, tush, tush" came a disapproving tutting sound and head shake to my right. My hand faltered midair, suddenly feeling exposed.
"Is this not very good?" I blushed.
"Feo (horrible)" came the simple response.
"Uh – what do you recommend? Maybe the Trapiche?" I desperately scrambled for approval.
"Hmmm... this one is good" my elderly wine guardian pointed to a 50 peso bottle. Dammit. I struggled with my pride and purse strings.
"Or this one is not bad" he pointed to a 12 peso wine. I thanked him, grabbed the cheapie and walked to the check-out to reassess my future in Mendoza. If I can´t even stand my ground in a supermarket showdown how will I manage at, God forbid, a vineyard or tasting room?
Enter Escuela Argentina de Sommeliers (EAS) and its introductory sommelier course (or essentials to bluffing your way as a wine expert). Figuring this was a chance to learn the basics of Argentine wine, a few fancy wine words and drink plenty of nice wine under the guise of educational betterment – I signed up.
So after two months of learning the history, process and tasting of wine, and spitting and swirling our way through over 40 bottles, here are my top tips for bluffing your way as a wine expert:
1) To spit or not to spit?
An age old question. Sadly, no matter how good a wine is, in a tasting room, the real 'expert' would always spit. This took a few classes to learn. After trying to not so artfully half-spit and half-hoard in a hamster-like fashion, the messy aftermath forced me to spit it all out in the end. The theory behind this is obviously that in order to appreciate the different flavours and aromas of a wine, it helps to not be drunk.
2) May the force be with you
When spitting, try to find a happy balance in your force. Spit too ferociously and you end up with splash-back from the spitoon all over your face; not forceful enough and you will dribble down your chin. Swirling your wine in the glass to aerate it is another one to practice at home with a bib on.
3) Let it flow
Sommelier Bárbara Jones encouraged us to share whatever we thought we smelled and tasted (and admirably she tried to agree with most of our ideas). Wine is completely subjective so the true secret to bluffing is picking a likely aroma candidate and saying it with enough conviction. Red fruits and spices tend to go with reds, and white fruits and herbs for whites, but don´t be afraid to say something slightly unusual. Soon enough everyone will be smelling Tabasco sauce.
4) Inhale deeply
Most of the sensation of a wine comes from its aromas, so spend some good time inhaling and pondering like a professional. If, after 5 minutes, all you can genuinely come up with is 'alcohol' or 'red wine', perhaps just go with a classic faker's response: a moustache-twitching "Hmmm, interesting – I can't quite put my finger on it".
5) Keep your names to yourself
Name-dropping is an instant giveaway for a wine bluff and a wine bore. Say you like the wine from the wrong bodega and you will instantly be cast off. If you insist on name-dropping vineyards - go for some smaller, boutique operations with a local presence, they are more likely to impress, and even better if they haven't been heard of.
6) Break the rules
I learnt in my EAS wine and food pairing lesson that the classic combos (although classic for a reason) can be a bit tired. Spicy and rich chicken dish? Try matching it with a Cabernet Sauvignon. Sushi? Go for a Rosè. Mushrooms? Pinot Noir. Chocolate? Forget the wine, whisky all the way!
7) No way rosè
No self-respecting wine snob likes to admit they like rosè but they will all admit that sometimes a rosè cannot be replaced (for example with dessert). The key to being a wine-know-it-all is to know that all wines have their appropriate place and time (and preferably to know when that is, or furthermore, isn't).
8) Probar, probar, probar!
My favorite EAS rule: probar, probar, probar (try, try, try)! There is no better way to become a wine expert other than by trying the stuff – Salud!
If you want to seriously learn something about wine and know what you are talking about, or even go so far as to become a sommelier, contact EAS in Mendoza on (261) 424 6602 or visit www.sommeliers.com.ar
