Charlie O´Malley recounts his wine tour adventures
As jobs go, this one seemed unbelievable; swanning around the lush vineyards of Mendoza, quaffing the finest wines and gorging on the most delectable cuisine whilst extolling the virtues of a viticultural paradise to grapejuice lovers who needed little convincing they had died and went to a purple-lipped heaven.
Indeed there are not many people in the world who can boast their work demands they drink alcohol at 9.30am. It seems I truly had found my role in life – getting paid to drink and talk and drink some more.
As it turned out, organizing wine tours is not the piece of cake I presumed. I realised this on one of my first tours, ushering a group of criminal attorneys around a winery that shall remain unnamed. I leaned over a tub of fermenting chardonnay and watched my cellphone slide from my shirt pocket and plop into the golden depths below. It was then that I realised that this job would require skilled synchronization, excellent body coordination, adept person to person skills and one of those very untrendy pocket clip mobile phone holders.
Since then I´ve had to deal with runaway forklifts, killer bees, trigger happy security guards and very stubborn wine stains, all in the cause of providing the perfect wine tour.
Tourism is a funny business and people come in all shapes and sizes and many different moods. Wine tours have a certain advantage over other forms of excursions however. No matter how grumpy the customer in the morning is, be it because of a bad night´s sleep or a bad night in the casino, or an overbooked spa or overcooked steak, after a couple of glasses of malbec they are generally giggling like schoolgirls and enthusing how wonderful everything is.
That´s not to say things always go exactly to plan. Quite the opposite. I remember once ushering a group of rocket scientists around a winery (that shall remain unnamed). The guide proved particularly frosty and the tasting a non-event. As we were leaving a disgruntled Californian turned to the guide and said;
"You know there are a lot of wineries in the world and a lot of wines and I certainly don´t ever have to drink yours."
"Hmm," I thought, "that went well!"
Then there was the incident of the busload of Alabama coal miners. We were at the gate of a winery (that shall remain unnamed) and the security guard refused us entry. No matter how much I insisted I had booked a visit, and rebooked and confirmed, the disinterested voice of the guide that crackled on the two-way radio said no and the guard, decked out with pump action shotgun and Pancho Villa style bullet belt, was in no mood for compromise. I ended up in a roadside service station listening to the finer points of open cast coal extraction whilst waiting for the next appointment.
But in reality obstinate security guards, obstinate guides and obstinate wine stains are the least of your worries when conducting wine tours. You soon learn to avoid the unreliable wineries and lemon juice is wonderful for stain removal.
The secret is to stick to the places that make people feel welcome of which there are many.
Inside the wineries you can encounter a whole new set of dangers and obstacles. One is the rally racing of forklift drivers hell bent on taking the legs off a photo snapping tourist. Once whilst showing a group of Disney skaters around a winery (that shall remain unnamed) and acting like a crowd control steward (Watch their legs! They are worth millions!"), I had my toe run over. I limped with restrained dignity to the tasting room and when someone noticed the tears in my eyes they asked; "Jeez, is the wine that bad?" Recently, a security guard in a winery (that shall remain unnamed) decided to take a joyride in a forklift and clipped a tank door open. As wine flooded out, the entire tank crumpled like an accordion and the most unfortunate part of the incident is there was nobody there to witness such a spectacular spectacle, except the somewhat cowed security guard of course.
Many wine tourists arrive to Mendoza with low expectations and are instead blown away by the architecture and technology (not to mention the wine) they thought could not possible exist below the Mexican border. They bring with them their own technology and often, with the help of satellite phones and blackberrys, act like it is just another day in the office. I recall one client boasting that his staff of fifty back in Dallas were convinced he was holed up in headquarters working on a merger. Another lady used her gadget (was it cellphone, blackberry or inter-galactic communication console) to obtain half hour updates on the US $3000 heart surgery her cat was going through – with pictures!
The mishaps are endless. One winery (that shall remain unnamed) decided to simulate an armed robbery without telling the terrified tourists. Another multi-million dollar winery (that shall remained) searched tourists bags as they were leaving for a missing one-dollar tasting glass that ended up being discovered behind a curtain in the tasting room. I remember once running around a vineyard being chased by killer bees, desperately trying not to spill my chardonnay. One of the worst was when I brought two Jewish clients to Posada del Jamon, which as the name applies only serves ham.
Yet the biggest danger of all is being spoiled. How many times have I sat down in a beautiful winery restaurant and thought: "Oh no, not a bloody rolled rabbit in bacon glazed in honey with cinnamon and apple sauce again!"
Because the very nature of tourism work involves repetition it is easy to become dulled by even the most delightful experiences. It is only when a client thanks you profusely at the end of the day with a beaming smile and gushing words that you re-register what a special place Mendoza is. The view of snowcapped mountains towering over the vineyards cannot fail to melt the heart of the most unfeeling brute. To pass some time in Mendoza without exploring the vineyards is an absolute crime. There are mountains and rivers all over the world but this is the only place you can sip first class malbec where it is made. Enjoy!
